Talk Nerdy to Me: Surviving Shark Week
It happens to pretty much every woman, that magical time once a month where your usually normal, fun, and sane girlfriend turns into a raving lunatic. That’s right, Shark Week is coming! The “icky” parts of when Aunt Flo visits only last 3-4 days, but the 3-4 days (sometimes even a full week) leading up to this time can be intense, full of mood swings, and quite possibly dangerous for a man who has no idea what he’s dealing with. Yes, a woman’s Shark Week is as predictable as Jaws, Jaws II, Jaws III and Jaws XVII 3D — although each woman’s Shark Week is different. Some are short tempered, some will cry at fabric softener commercials.
There’s no definite answer as far as how to help a woman feel better as you sail the choppy waters of Shark Week, but here are a few tips:
- Don’t call her on her PMS. Probably the most important. Your girlfriend may know that she’s bitchy as hell when Shark Week is on the horizon, but here’s the reason I call it “Shark Week”: as soon as you mention how moody she is, she will bite your head off. A lot of women don’t even like to admit that they’re effected by PMS, even though almost all of us are.
- Don’t be the Diet Police. Okay, so usually your girlfriend is a calorie-counting, carb-conscious gym fanatic, but Shark Week has arrived and she ate three quarters of a pizza on her own and then topped it off with some chocolate ice cream and two or three Mike’s Hard Lemonades. There is no rationality or common sense when it comes to this time of the month; just recently I cut across three lanes of traffic just to get to Chipotle while I was on my way to have a salad for lunch. It’s better to just lay low — and if you think she’ll beat herself up over it later, maybe offer to go for a walk with her and get some fresh air. At least then she’ll burn off some of those calories she’s going to hate herself for gobbling down later.
- Don’t do anything unexpected. Women are really touchy at this time of the month. Your girlfriend might usually like it when you sneak up behind her and tickle her sides while she’s washing the dishes, but I can almost guarantee that when Shark Week is here, she will probably be more likely to hit you than to enjoy any sudden surprises. Of course, surprises like flowers and chocolate are good surprises, so you can stick to those. Especially the chocolate part. Unexpected also includes wanting to go out for dinner or other social activities. When a woman is feeling sore, bloated and moody, the last thing she wants is to have to throw on a pair of heels and Spanx and hit the town.
- Help out with her chores. Guys, you have no idea how much of hero you will be in your girlfriend’s eyes if you do something as simple as washing the dishes or helping to fold the laundry — without being asked. Something as simple as helping out with the things she doesn’t feel like doing normally let alone when Shark Week has arrived will give you huge brownie points, and believe me fellahs, she won’t forget when Shark Week is over.
- GTFO. The best way to avoid being bitten during Shark Week is just to, plain and simple, keep your distance. If your girlfriend is moody and snappish, give her space. If she wants affection or companionship, she will come to you. Just be sure to let her know you’re there for her if she needs you.
The only really predictable thing about Shark Week is that it is totally unpredictable. Women will usually suffer similar symptoms month to month, but sometimes things will change — the moodiness could be anger instead of sadness, for example — and the intensity of the symptoms. Just try to be a loving and supportive partner, and if all else fails, see #5.
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