Crypt of CreepKnight: Final Cuts, Five Horror Movies That Need to be Made

Horror movies are, sadly, a dime a dozen these days. Between the remakes of classic films such as Friday the 13th or A Nightmare on Elm Street, to the myriad of straight-to-video exploitation films that resemble soft core pornography more so than their seventies predecessors, the market is saturated with enough films to make most in the fandom give up their blood and guts for something of greater quality. And while there have been a few decent horror films made in the last decade, most are, sadly, left wanting.

Hollywood, my dear friends, you seem to have run out of ideas, and rather than let you “reboot” some of my favorite franchises (as you seem intent on doing) or allow another infestation of shaky cam, first person schlock, I’ve decided to open up my brain juices and give you five ideas that, if handled with care, may just save your collective asses from the hell of nineteen nineties horror-dom (Jason Takes Manhattan anyone?)…

 
5) A true Bentley Little adaptation

For those of you unfamiliar with the work of author Bentley Little, he is to Arizona what Stephen King is to Maine and he is to shock what Clive Barker is to gore. While most horror authors are off playing with their cuddly, widdle vampires, Bentley Little strives to make us afraid of damn near everything; from pillows to Wal-Mart to aborted fetuses, Little has refused to pull punches where other authors would. No subject is too taboo for him to tackle, as he has proven time and time again. Yet his stories are told with a careful construction and an ease of language that rivals Stephen King, a man whom has called Little a “master of the macabre.” My personal pick would be one of my two favorite of his novels, The Store or The Resort (rumor has it that an adaptation of The Store is currently stranded in production hell, so maybe I’ll get to see it someday); both tales have the proper elements to make excellent movies while still remaining some his tamer and more “new reader” friendly books.

Just do us all a favor and don’t adapt The House…

 
4) The Real Revenge of the Nerds

Revenge of the Nerds: you’ve seen it. Everyone’s seen it, or at least gets the premise: nerds go to college and get harassed, nerds form a fraternity and get harassed, nerds try to stand up for themselves and succeeds, nerds get beaten down for their trouble, and nerds get revenge by rallying the school behind them. But there’s a line spoken by that mighty sage, Dudley “Booger” Dawson, as the nerds in question plot their vengeance against their jock tormentors that, had he but been a bit more charismatic, would have made for an excellent horror film premise:

“I say we blow the fuckers up.”

Imagine, if you will, the amazing potential of eighties era nerds to do some serious carnage: face burning Bunsen Burners, pocket protectors doubling as throwing knives, robots that kill (okay, so we’ve seen that one, but you get my point), and all of it punctuated by Robert Carradine’s horrible, sanity shattering laugh. And while this idea technically constitutes a remake, we can over look that because it’s crossing genres, thus creating a wholly new film. The only real problem with making this movie is that Don LaFontaine is not around to do the voice over for the trailer.

That, and there are some who would argue that the original was scary enough. Pansies.

 
3) Give Joe Hill $30 Million Dollars

Okay, so this isn’t a premise, this is more a shot in the dark in the general direction of a barn. But if there was one writer I would trust to come up with an excellent, original horror movie, it would be Joe Hill. After reading Heart Shaped Box, 20th Century Ghosts, Horns, and his comic book series Locke and Key, I would trust Joe Hill to blow his nose into a one-dollar bill and hand back a quality product. The amazing thing about Hill’s work is that it isn’t conventionally scary; for a guy working with horror tropes and themes, he doesn’t often turn in bone chilling work. What he does deliver, and delivers every single time, are stories that are exciting, relatable, and full of delicious tension. This is a man who ultimately knows how to tell a story, and that means he’s a man I want making horror movies. Because any idiot can tell Jason to jump out from behind some bushes, but a good story teller can make you believe that he had to.

(I would also like to state for the record that some of Hill’s work actually is terrifying. Just not all of it. Still a better track record than some horror authors *cough*DeanKoontz*hack*).

 
2) Beat Eli Roth in the nuts with a shovel until he’s sterile, then let M. Night Shamaylan direct, but without script control

Again, not so much a premise as a general idea, but I honestly believe it would work. Here you have two modern day dabblers in the genre, each without a clue how to make a movie on his own. Eli Roth, who brought us such films as Cabin Fever and Hostel, has proven that he knows how to put on a gore fest, if gore fest can be defined as “torture porn with good lighting.” Roth has put forth these two great concepts: flesh eating virus attacks pretty campers with problems and visiting youths in Europe get tortured by rich people with too much free time, but his execution reveals a disturbing fetish for people covered in cornstarch, oatmeal, and red dye #2. Then you have M. Night Shamaylan, who has timing and style out the ass, but can’t seem to pass up the opportunity to destroy his own work by adding a “clever” twist ending. If you want to make a good movie, let these two do what they do best, but give them a few limitations. Let Roth write the script… but beat him with a shovel every time he suggests torturing someone for ten pages. Let Shamaylan direct, but beat him with a shovel every time he tries to change the script. All the while carefully monitor the pair of them with a collective of touch up writers and angry gunmen with meth problems. Ultimately, something original might come of it and, if the gunmen don’t sell the camera equipment for crank, something quality might emerge from two creative minds who can’t seem to do it by themselves.

Also, should Quentin Tarantino try to set foot on set, give him a camera and put his ass to work. Just saying…

 
1) The Shadows Over Innsmouth… and nothing but The Shadows Over Innsmouth

If you’re a horror fan (and if you’ve read this far, I’d like to think you are), you’re more than likely familiar with H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu Mythos. And if you’re not, let me know, provide air fair and I will personally educate you using my patented Eli Roth method. There is little classic horror that is worth reading, and most of it’s so main stream that you’ve either read it or seen a movie adaptation of it. But never, and I mean never, has the work of H.P. Lovecraft ever been properly brought to life on screen. But since most of his work deals with cosmic horror on the grandest of scales, and since any version of The Dunwich Horror will leave me wanting to dig up Lovecraft’s corpse and scream at it “how could you let this happen?!!” you’re dealing with a very limited selection of work. Best stick to what is arguably his second most famous story, and that’s The Shadows Over Innsmouth.

Before anyone starts… God bless Stuart Gordon for trying. I love Dagon; for a B-movie it’s fantastic. But at the end of the day it’s a B-movie, and where Lovecraft is concerned a B-movie isn’t going to cut it. On top of that, it’s not a true adaptation; it’s spliced with the short story Dagon, which is why it’s called… Dagon.

But imagine, if you will, a turn-of-the-century period film directed by a big name director with a $50 million dollar budget and a star like… like… not Shia LeBouf. Then imagine an advertising campaign not dissimilar to Inception’s or The Dark Knight’s… you know what? Christopher Nolan’s directing, which means we’ll probably get Christian Bale or Leonardo DiCaprio to star in it. Already this film reeks of Oscar gold and it’s only the ramblings of a semi-insane Liechtensteiner ex-patriot spooky kid who had nothing better to do at 2 AM than blog about horror movies he’d like to see.

And yet, Hollywood’s planning to reboot Hellraiser.   

WHAT THE HELL?!!

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