Geek Beat: The Top Five Underrated Superpowers

Like many geeks I have put some serious thought into what superpowers I would want to have. These days it seems like we’ve seen all of the classics, along with plenty of non-classics. Yes, it would be neat to fly, though I have a feeling that I’d probably get tangled in telephone wires and trees a lot. I’d like to be invisible, but only if I could change back to visible whenever I wanted. Otherwise I’d go crazy like Kevin Bacon. It might be neat to have super-strength, but you’d have to think about controlling it all the time, even in your most unguarded moments (see Larry Niven’s classic essay “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” for more details). It might be fun to be immortal, but what if it got old and you started to feel all angsty? Isn’t being a mopey Anne Rice character a fate worse than death?

However, there are a wide variety of superpowers that have been underrated by comics that could be just as cool as these. I’m not saying they wouldn’t have their drawbacks. There are just a lot of things that would be really useful, either in everyday life or in a fight, but don’t really come off very well on a comic book page or on screen. That doesn’t mean they would be any less fun to actually have, however. Let’s take a look at some of these under-utilized powers now… (and for the record, my pick among traditional powers is probably teleportation)

 
 
Technopathy

Scottie wishes he had the power to talk to computers.

Or “the ability to talk and/or intuitively understand machines.” What if, when your computer broke, you could say “Work, dammit!” …AND IT WOULD? So much of the world runs on technology that your power would essentially be limitless. Hold national electrical grids hostage from the comfort of your own home. Know everybody in the world’s credit card and PIN numbers. Your cable company stiffed you on the bill this month. Well, just tell the computer to change your bill… and maybe take all their money while you’re at it. This is may be a cool power but it just isn’t very visual. The best use in comics was most likely Mitchell Hundred in Brian K. Vaughan’s Ex Machina, and he didn’t even do much with it that was creative. He did, however, save one of the World Trade Center towers by telling the plane not to crash, so you have to give him some credit.

 
Aquakinesis

I just made that word up, but if it doesn’t exist yet it should. So ha! Anyway, this is the ability to control water. You may not think that this is that cool. What if you’re in the desert, you might ask? Here’s the thing: over two thirds of the human body is water. So first off with this ability you can pretty much kill anybody instantly whenever you want. You don’t even have to take the time to drown them. Secondly, a huge percentage of the human population either lives on coasts or near rivers. You could make the US government retreat to Phoenix and rule all the cool cities! Most importantly, you would never have to carry around a hair dryer ever again. Just tell your hair to be dry and it will be. Shabamm.

 
Persuasion

This is one of those powers that is usually given to villains, because really with a hero it would just be lame. Persuasive Hero: “You know, you really shouldn’t be robbing this bank.” Bank Robber: “You know, you’re right. I’m sorry.” And that’s kind of the end of the comic book. But it would make superhero-ing really easy, wouldn’t it? And as for villainy, well, I think the applications are obvious. This is another one that would be useful for dealing with the cable company. I don’t need to go into the many, many applications, both moral and immoral, of having the ability to persuade people to do whatever you wanted. If anything, it’s too powerful for comics. And this is the industry that gave us Superman.

 
Time Stop

I was surprised when I couldn’t think of a character (off the top of my head, I’m sure one exists) with this power in the comics. I think it may be because it would make it so easy to win in a fight. It would even trump super-speed (often used for many of the same purposes) if you used it right. In a way the ability to stop time is a mix of some (though not all) of the better aspects of teleportation, telekinesis, force-fields, etc. Late for work? Stop time. About to get hit by a car? Stop time. That girl is about to throw her drink in your face? Stop time, then drag somebody you don’t like over to where you were sitting. The applications are limitless.

This is a DVD of an actual movie about a guy who can stop time. It has random snowboarders on both the back and the front. Also: "and Danny Trejo"

 
Language Ability

You may or may not remember a member of the New Mutants back in the early days named Cypher. No? Well, to make a long story short Cypher can know any language ever without having to learn it. The writers at the time had a hard time working this into a comic story, and ended up (SPOILER) killing Cypher off. Well, I don’t know if it works in comics-land, but I can’t really tell you how much better having this power would have made my life over the past few years, or even the past few months. If I had this power, I would make major archaeological discoveries by deciphering dead languages, then use the money to travel the world being awesome and making out with my girlfriend. The version of my life where I have this power is pretty much the ideal version of my life.

 
 
So the next time a mad scientist knocks on your door or aliens descend from the heavens and ask you what superpower you want, you’ll have a handy list to choose from. You’re welcome.
 

About Dan

Dan Joslyn grew up in Ohio but now lives in Las Vegas, NV with his lovely ginger girlfriend, Tiarra, where he works as an office monkey. He enjoys reviewing movies and television for the site, and over-analyzing such things. He may be the Chosen One… but he probably isn’t.

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