Talk Nerdy To Me: Secrets to Understanding Women

Understanding women can be difficult for a lot of people, but your stereotypically socially awkward geek likely has the most trouble figuring women out; I mean, let’s face it: a lot of times you missed out on dating in high school and college, so everything you know about women comes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, action movies and pornography. So once you do finally find a woman you really mesh with, it can be a baffling and confusing experience trying to figure out what a woman is doing, why she’s doing it, or why she’s pissed as hell at you but won’t tell you what you did wrong.

There is no universal code when it comes to women, but we’re not all unique snowflakes; many of us fall into the same kinds of thought patterns, despite our varied differences. So here are some things to think about that may help unlock the at least a few secrets to understanding women. And, ladies, feel free to chime in by commenting below.

 
1. There is such a thing as too much honesty.
Guys, little white lies are there for you because you care about us and we care about you. There are some things you should just never say to a woman.

An obvious one (and yet, I’m putting it here anyway since sometimes — no offense — guys can be clueless) is to tell a woman that she’s getting fat. People start getting comfortable in a relationship, and often the pounds slowly start to add on; but you love your woman because of her smile, her intelligence, and her encyclopedic knowledge of Battlestar Galactica, not because of how skinny she is. Something that Hollywood and society constantly hammer into our brains — male as well as female — is that to be attractive, you have to be a size 0-4. Well, here’s a fun fact: the average American woman is a size 14, nowhere near those anorexic Hollywood standards. And you know what? That’s okay. She’s still beautiful. So don’t tell her she’s getting fat if she’s gaining weight.

If this really is something that bothers you (for shame), make it about yourself. Tell your lady that you think you’re getting out of shape and want to hit the gym. Or tell her that since your grandfather died of heart disease you want to start eating healthier. And then ask for her help. Being healthier is easier when you’re not doing it alone; maybe she’s been having similar thoughts anyway, but didn’t want to say anything because she’s afraid you’ll love her less if you think she’s fat, because Hollywood has hammered into her brain that fat = ugly.

Another thing that you might want to avoid is telling her that your family doesn’t like her. Nine times out of ten, you might think your mother hates your girlfriend, but that’s likely because she hasn’t had a chance to really get to know your girl. Think about it: you’re your mother’s baby, and here’s some strange woman come to take you away. Of course she might seem to dislike your girlfriend at first, but with time, she’ll warm up. This season on The Big Bang Theory, Howard told his mother he was engaged to Bernadette, and she wound up having to go to the hospital right after; he wrongly assumed that it was because his mother didn’t like/approve of Bernadette, and told Bernadette this; and when she did talk to Howard’s mother, she was rightfully pissed that Howard had put her through that because that wasn’t the reason at all. Oh, hey, television can teach us something about women. Look at that!

If you think her yellow dress makes her look like a banana or you find yourself wanting to tell her that your mother would have done something differently, just keep it to yourself. Being honest is good, but you have to try to define that line between honest and hurtful — and be careful not to cross over.

 
2. We’re not always fishing for compliments.
You may be baffled that your beautiful girlfriend says things like, “I feel fat today,” or that she’s ugly or wishes she was prettier. Many guys may interpret a beautiful woman saying something like this as fishing for compliments, but it’s really not the case. You might know that your woman is beautiful, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that she does.

Sure, when we’re teenagers, we probably are just fishing. But with the way the media inundates us with warped perspectives about what beauty should be, sometimes we really do feel ugly or fat. And it’s not really something that has to do with our self-identity, and we aren’t all self-loathing; but as women grow older, we sometimes just have those kinds of days. I’m sure you’ve heard the term “Bad hair day.” One day I will be lamenting the woes of my stupid fat face, and the next day I’ll be telling my girlfriends about how fabulous I look.

But even if she’s not fishing for compliments, that means you shouldn’t compliment her. Knowing that the person she loves still thinks she’s beautiful even though she’s having an “ugly” day really does do a lot for a woman’s self-esteem.

 
3. We’re not getting dressed up for you.
Sometimes it seems like women take forever to get ready with all that work they put into their hair and makeup and what they wear. You might be thinking, “She doesn’t need to do all of that for me.” Well, here’s a tip, fellahs: she isn’t.

When we go shopping for clothes, our number one priority is how those clothes make us look and feel. Hair, makeup, all of that, as well. After that, we’re out to impress other women (and fabulous gay men). You might think that all of this primping is unimportant, but it goes a long way toward making women attractive to men. Wearing certain tops will make a woman’s boobs look better, and that’s something you definitely can appreciate, guys. Or the right kind of dress can show off our skinny waist and our vivacious curves. All of these things that you appreciate are things that we appreciate, too — but our number one priority in this endeavor is ourselves, not you. The fact that you enjoy the way your woman looks is just a bonus, really. So instead of complaining about the time it takes to get ready, sit back, relax, and just enjoy the results as much as we do.

 
4. We don’t want to look at your penises.
I think Kristen Schaal from the Daily Show put it best this week: “Men need to realize that their penis has far more power over them than over us.”

Guys, nobody wants to see your penis. It’s ugly. Sure, women will take tantalizing photos of themselves to send to you, but that doesn’t mean that we expect you to return the favor. And, really, most of us don’t want you to. If this whole Anthony Weiner thing in the news has taught you any lesson, guys, it should be that no woman wants pictures of your penis. Don’t get me wrong; straight women appreciate your manhood and all the fun and wonderful things that it involves during sex, but that doesn’t mean we want to look at it.

 
 
So there you go, guys. This is far from the end of the knowledge you need to glean to be able to really understand women, but it’s definitely a start. You know all that stuff you’re usually tuning out about communication and feelings and stuff that doesn’t have to do with explosions and car chases? Yeah, that’s where this comes in.

And if you still have questions or need advice, guys, you can drop me a line at tiarra@geek-life.com. I’ll be happy to share my womanly wisdom.

About Tiarra

Tiarra Wantz is a comic book and sci-fi geek girl who enjoys reading, playing video games, creating typography art, and comparing everything to “that one episode of TNG where…” Tiarra lives in Las Vegas with the love of her life, Dan, where they live together with two cuddly kittens named Panda Face and Ser Pounce-a-lot and a precocious pup named Pippin.

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