Talk Nerdy To Me: We’re Sweet and Shy
So you’ve met a great geek guy or gal, and you’re finally ready to go out with them; there’s just one problem: he or she is shy. Shyness is a huge problem that many people struggle to overcome. It can stem from several places: lack of confidence, social anxiety, or even low self esteem. Shy people want to do things — trust me, as someone who is incredibly shy, I know this from personal experience — but it’s just very difficult. All those awkward moments and silences aren’t for lack of interest or because they have nothing to say. It’s because there is often literally an internal struggle to get the words out.
So, when you’re out on a date with a shy geek, how do you get them to open up?
If you’re a more outgoing person, it will obviously be easier for you than if you, yourself are somewhat shy. But either way, there are still a few easy ways to help a shy person feel more comfortable so that they come out of their shell.
How about those Sacramento Kings?
One of the best ways to begin is small talk. We often think of things like “This is some crazy weather we’re having, isn’t it?” or “This is a pretty nice place, isn’t it?” are usually considered fillers, but these are great tools to help a shy person open up. Why? Because topics like this aren’t personal, which means that there is less fear of being criticized — and it doesn’t suddenly put them on the spot by asking them about their personal lives. Generic small talk warms the conversation up and helps make a shy person more comfortable with you. You can then build up to more personal small talk based on things you like and the person you’re talking to likes.
When you’re initiating small talk, remember that the point is not just to talk, but to listen as well. As a shy person becomes more comfortable with you, they will add more personal information into the conversation. If you met through a friend or an online dating site, you may already know some information about them that will help with this. Also, show that you are listening by ask follow-up questions. For example, if you saw on your shy date’s profile that they like the Late Show, you might ask, “Did you watch David Letterman last night?” If he or she were to answer, “Yes, [band name] was on,” this might be a hint that they like said band. Follow up questions and commentary: “Do you like [band name]?” “I like [band name], too, my favorite album of theirs is [album name]. What’s your favorite album?” The same formula can be used for most any subject.
A kind word.
Compliments are another great tool for helping a shy person warm up and feel comfortable with you, especially if you’re on a blind date or meeting someone face to face for the first time. A lot of times, for someone who is shy, there is extreme social anxiety with meeting someone that they don’t know for the first time. Do they look okay? Will they say or do the wrong thing? A well-placed compliment can help ease those fears and anxieties and help a shy person relax a little. As I like to say, flattery will get you everywhere. If your shy date looks nice or is wearing a cool shirt, etc, be honest and let them know. You can also add follow-up questions to some of these.
There are, of course, good ways and bad ways to compliment someone. Let’s look at some examples:
Good compliments: “I love your shirt! Where did you get it?” This is simple, friendly, and lets the shy person engage in some of the above mentioned small talk.
“You look amazing tonight.” It’s always nice to know that hard work is noticed, whether it’s a guy or a girl that this kind of compliment is directed toward.
“I can’t believe you like Battlestar Galactica, too. You rock!” You can throw compliments into your regular conversation as well.
Bad compliments: “You smell really nice.” < --Do not ever say this to a woman when you are meeting them for the very first time unless you want her to believe that you are going to follow it up with throwing her in a pit and saying things like, "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again." Because, seriously. Later on that might be a compliment, but for a nearly-complete stranger, that is creepy as heck.
“You look better than you do in photos.” This might seem like a compliment, but it’s sort of back-handed. It’s kind of like saying, “You aren’t quite as ugly as you looked in your online profile pic.”
What is the capitol of South Dakota?
Try not to put a shy person on the spot. This is one thing that should be obvious, but when someone is shy, they’re already very nervous, and being put on the spot will make a shy person clam up quicker than a politician caught in a seedy scandal. I once went on a date with a guy who, after he found out that the Beatles are my favorite band, asked what my favorite album was. I told him it was Rubber Soul. So far so good. Follow up question: “Your favorite song from that album?” Okay, not intimidating, “Norwegian Wood.” And then came the part that completely threw me off: “I haven’t heard that song before. Can you sing it for me?” Um, hello, I can barely speak in front of people, there’s no way I’m going to break out in song in the middle of a busy bar.
We’re more the introspective type.
Lastly, remember: patience is a virtue. It can take a little more time and effort to get a shy person to open up than it does more outgoing people.Try not to prompt too much with things like, “Go on,” or “What are you thinking?” as these will put the shy person on the spot. There may be a few long pauses as the shy person tries to put their words together and force them out (this can be painfully difficult), but don’t finish the person’s sentences for them; give them time to get it out themselves.
If all else fails, and you feel like talking is too difficult for you shy friend, try to make your first meeting more activity-based instead. Ditch dinner first and go straight for mini-golf or the arcade. Being able to do things in silence will likely make the shy person more comfortable; to you, that silence while you’re both playing skee-ball might feel awkward to you, but to a shy person, sharing an activity without the pressure of having to talk can be golden. And once your shy date has spent some time with you and has felt more comfortable with you, he or she will likely be more comfortable and able to open up more once you finally do get to the dinner/sit down part of the date.
Overcoming shyness can be very difficult. If that special geek that you’re into is shy, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t worth your time in effort; on the contrary, many of my shy friends tend to be some of the most amazing people I’ve gotten to know once I gave them a chance to open up.
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