(Believe It Or Not) These Are All Real Movies
As you read this, Hollywood is scrambling to figure out what it’s doing wrong. In the current economic climate, the major studios played it safe and went with what had been working for them: remakes, sequels, and formulas. What we’ve been getting is the worst summer for movies in a long, long time. Possibly as a result of the poor offerings, revenues are down 7.5% from last year, despite inflated ticket prices for 3-D showings. The studios are discovering to their shock that nobody actually wanted a Marmaduke movie.
Now there are multiple reports surfacing from sites like Vulture, Deadline, and Slashfilm that major studios including Paramount, Universal, Fox, and Warner Brothers are begging agents to “Get us the original material.” On its face this is great news. However,
I’ll believe it when I see it, and just because a movie is “original” doesn’t make it any good. We’ll see what happens as time goes on.
Hugh Jackman plays the cornerman for a robot in "Real Steel".
In the meantime, however, Hollywood has a variety of very, very strange projects in the hopper. While, due to MGM’s bankruptcy, projects like The Hobbit, the next James Bond film, and Joss Whedon’s Cabin in the Woods appear to be delayed indefinitely, all of the following movies are well into production. Many of them have elite directors attached and are being planned as tentpole releases by major studios. Yes, these are all real movies…
Real Steel – This is the story of an underdog robot boxer, loosely based on a Twilight Zone episode. Hugh Jackman plays an ex-fighter who is forced to become a promoter when human boxers are replaced by the robots. According the official synopsis, “access to sub-standard robot parts hampers his hopes for glory in Robot Boxing, until he discovers a discarded robot that always seems to win.” This weirdest part about this movie is its A-list cast, which also includes Evangeline Lilly, Anthony Mackie, and Hope Davis. Shawn Levy, who has made lots and lots of money making bad movies like Night at the Museum, directs.
The Smurfs – This upcoming live-action adaptation of the popular cartoon combines CGI smurfs with human actors as the smurf world crosses over with New York City. Neil Patrick Harris has a starring role, which sounds good, until you see this picture of Hank Azaria as Gargamel…
Somebody thought this was a good idea.
Monopoly – A lovable loser gets stuck in the “world” of the popular board game… sort of like in Jumanji, I guess? But here’s the kicker… the movie is currently slated to be directed by none other than Ridley Scott.
Battleship – It’s another game movie, directed by Peter Berg (Friday Night Lights, Hancock). The plot is apparently about the crew of a military ship fighting a massive alien invasion. Word has it that Berg pitched a similar original idea and it was approved on the condition he could tie it into a board game. Slated to star is Taylor Kitsch, who played Gambit in Wolverine and is currently filming the lead role in John Carter of Mars.
The Great and Powerful Oz – This prequel to The Wizard of Oz has been in the works for a while now. It now will officially star Robert Downey Jr. as the titular “wizard” who finds himself in the land of Oz. It was announced this week that this will be the next film for Sam Raimi, the man who brought us Evil Dead, Army of Darkness, and two good Spider-Man movies.
Ghost Rider: The Spirit of Vengeance – I saw the first Ghost Rider movie in a theater. With my mom. So the official appearance of a sequel to that ridiculously terrible waste of money is a source of great amusement for me. In talks to direct is the team behind the utterly insane Crank movies. And this week it was announced that Nicolas Cage will be returning in the starring role!
The Monster Squad/ Fright Night – These are both high-profile remakes of very cheesy 80s teen movies
You know you wanted more of this
that nobody remembers at all anymore. Fright Night is the story of a kid (Anton Yelchin, the new Chekov) who figures out that his next door neighbor (Colin Farrell) is really a vampire. David Tennant and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin) are also in the cast. Meanwhile, The Monster Squad is about a group of kids who have to fight classic Universal monsters such as Dracula, Frankenstein, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. It’s produced by both Michael Bay and Rob Cohen, and word has it the studio sees it as “a potential franchise”. This week the Gunn brothers, writers of such classics as the MTV movie 2gether and Bring It On Again, have been hired for the script. So that’s a good sign.
In other news this week, while it’s not a movie, Danny Boyle was announced as the director of the Opening Ceremonies of the 2012 London Olympics. I have two words for all those wondering how the UK could possible top China’s Opening Ceremony from four years ago: Bollywood Zombies. Think about it.
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